Don’t get me wrong, not for a second do I want to go back to the early 2000’s and the era of ultra low-rise jeans. Too young to know what I’m talking about? Or just forgot?  Well, allow me to refresh your memory with this photo.  There was a barely-there zipper, belt loops hovering just above the bum and a gal was required to specially groom her bikini line so that nothing was evident from above. Muffin tops were born during this era and frankly, one of the lesser side effects of this crazy trend. How many plumbers cracks did you have to see…on your friends?  What about the endless views of thongs creeping above the waistline of pants? It was ugly on many levels.

Then as the fashion tides began to turn and as rises (the distance from the middle of the crotch to the top of the waistband) began inching up, I was ecstatic. For one, I have a long torso so those low rise pants left even tunics barely covering my belly. Second of all, if a girl wants to wear a nice, big comfortable brief in lieu of some sexy thong, these new pants gave all the room in the world for a full coverage panty. Sign me up. Life just got a lot more comfortable.

And in the last year or so, these rises have been growing even still. The latest pair of Zara jeans I bought sit well above my waist, inches above my belly button and settle just below my boobs. I could basically wear a sports bra and have no stomach skin showing. They are great. I can bend over with no worry about flashing my family, wear tucked or untucked and I feel no obligation to pull them up every two seconds. Mom jeans, but cool. And flattering. They held everything in- you know, kind of like denim Spanx. Fashionable and functional. Score!

But then I washed said jeans. And wore them to eat BBQ. A lot of BBQ.  And suddenly, I became very uncomfortable. As if all my organs were smushed inside this Zara light wash denim. No room for a muffin top to escape! What I would give for a muffin top right now. Help! I felt like I was wearing….a corset. A modern-day, button front, Zara Woman corset. I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t even get in the car to drive home. After a short walk around the block, I was still on the verge of my stomach and lungs imploding from the pressure of these pants clinging around my midsection. So I took matters into my own hands and unbuttoned the top button. Or maybe two. Yes, correct. I had to unbutton my pants after a casual, Sunday night dinner just to sit in the car.

Soo, what am I trying to tell you? Ditch your summer diet and instead invest in a pair of this new high rise denim,  then throw them in the dryer. Wear and repeat. There won’t be room to eat anything but goji smoothies and kale. You’ll be under your game weight in no time.

You’re welcome.